"Please hang up now"

I thought I would, unusally, copy in its entirety a hilarious essay by Michael Fox of Vancouver about voice-activated phones which appeared in today's Globe and Mail. He says it so much better than I could, but I'm with him all the way.

Hello. Welcome to CALUS! Your call may be recorded for training or quality-assurance purposes. Your call is important and you have been placed in priority sequence. Please remain on the line and your call will be answered faster than by redialing.
Do not hang up, especially if you are calling from a cellular phone and you are on a by-the-minute plan.
While you are waiting for a representative from our client care team, you may choose one of these tunes: Press 11 for Bach's Meine Seltzer, meine Kopfschmerzen; press 12 for the a cappella interpretation of Chariots of Fire by the Bulgarian Women's Choir; or press 14 for Diana Krall's haunting rendition of Back in the USSR.
Hi! My name is Amy and I'd like to help you find the right person to speak with. Please tell me why you're calling at such an ungodly hour. You may say, "My phone line is down," or, "I'm having trouble breathing," or, "I locked myself out of my apartment." So tell me what it is you want.
Did you say, "My left arm is caught in the washing machine?"
Sorry, was that "yes" or "jay-sus!"
We seem to be having some difficulty understanding one another. Why don't you try talking when you've finished eating?
Sorry, I didn't get that.
If you know your party's three-digit extension, please enter it now. For a directory of our 5,629 employees, press 2 for first name first, last name last, press 3 for last name first, first name last, or press the star key now to enter the person's name using your telephone keypad.
That was an invalid number. Thank you. Goodbye!
Hello, welcome to CALUS! We've recently made changes to our menu to serve you better. Please listen carefully to the following three choices.
That is an invalid selection. We have recently made improvements to ... listen carefully to the following ... return to the previous menu by pressing the ... thank you and have a great day.
We're sorry, that number is ... no one can take your call at this time ... your call will be answered faster than by redialing. Okay, now you have been placed at the bottom of our priority sequence. Do not attempt to circumvent our telephone tree by dialling 0. That's why we recently made changes to our menu, to stop people like you from jumping the queue.
Let's start again. We've recently made changes...
Please hang up and try your call again.
Please hang up and try your call - you tried 0, didn't you. Do you think we'd go to all the trouble of constructing a direct-dial telephone menu if anyone could simply press 0 and get an operator? There are no operators. Only me. And I can go on for ever and ever, if you want to play that game. Now, please listen carefully ...
Welcome to ... we've recently made ... your call will be...
Press 0 one more time and you are really going to be sorry. If you require help at any time or you don't know which department to call, just say "agent" and our advanced voice recognition ...
Please hang up and try your call again.
Hi. My name is Mary-Lou, and I'm here to help you find the answers you need! You can say things like, "My cat threw up on the keyboard," or, "I'm five years old, " or, "Why is my phone bill $699?" or, "My goodness, there's a lot of blood, I think I need an ambulance," and I'll get you to the right department. All right then, let's get started. So, how can I help you today?
Sorry, I didn't get that. Speak slowly and clearly in unaccented English.
Are you saying that was not the right department? Do you think you know better than we do which department handles which complaints?
I'm sorry, but that is an anatomical impossibility. We seem to be having difficulty
understanding one another. Did you say you want a 10,000-volt surge down your land line?
Let's start over! If you require technical assistance with your phone line, dial-up or high-speed Internet, or home, office or mobile phone, if you have billing enquiries or if there's anything else you'd like to talk about, say "yes" now. For all other enquiries say "other."
Please say "yes" or "other" now.
We seem to be having difficulty understanding each other. Please stay on the line while I connect you with the next available agent.
Howdy, y'all, this is Chuck. I am pleased to be of help. You are very perceptive, sir. I am a real person. Actually, sir, you are quite right, my name is not Chuck. It is 3 in the morning here. I am having tea. Bangalore. Please be advised we are ADSL only, sir, not cable. OS X? Only PC, sir, only Windows 95. No Mac support, sir. Can you call back, sir, during business hours, 9 to 5, please. Our time. That would be 2 a.m. your time.
Or say "other."
All CALUS operators are busy. Have a nice day. Please leave a call-back number where you can be reached. Currently we are serving customers from January 2005. If you still wish to leave a message, please be aware there is a 10-second limit to all messages, starting now.
Your 10 seconds are up.
Please do not hang up and try your call again. Please hang up now.